Americans will buy almost anything you can plug into a wall that will perform what the average person could do quite easily. 

Remember, we are the country that gave the world the electric toothbrush, the hot comb, and "Magic Fingers" mattresses, which still can be found at any motel where they advertise "Free TV" and offer an hourly rate. 

A man said to me recently, "I wonder what we did before there was television remote control?" 

I'll tell you what we did. We got off our lazy duffs and we walked over to the television and changed the channels ourselves. That's all the exercise some people got. 
 

Hello, I sure am funny
 

Now we just aim the remote control, and, like magic, the channel changes, making it possible to watch three football games, two soap operas and a Jerry Falwell sermon basically at the same time while our bodies deteriorate and become bloblike. 

Besides the obvious interest in gadgets, I think most people install telephone answering machines for two reasons. Either they want others to think they get a lot of important calls and can't leave the phone unattended, or they don't want to miss out on the opportunity to be creative when it comes to making up a recorded message with which the machine answers. 

Most try to put in a little would-be humor: 

"Hi. This is Fernando. I can't come to the phone right now because I am on special assignment for the CIA, blah, blah, blah." 

I call long-distance and I still have to pay for the call because Fernando's stupid machine answered the phone. Nothing funny about that. 

I've even heard answering machines do impressions: 

"You doity rat, you killed my bruddah, but I'll still call you back if you'll leave your name and numbah." 

Why should I get a James Cagney impression when I call my chiropractor? 
 

Lesson on a dumb gadget
 

I must admit that because I was the victim of some bad advice, I recently purchased a telephone answering device. It was supposed to make my life easier. It didn't. 

In the fews day I kept it, however, I did learn a few things: 

Most people are too smart to talk to a machine, so they hang up as soon as they realize they are talking to one. 

The only people who will leave a message are those who want you to do something you don't want to do anyway. 

If your mother calls and a machine answers the phone, she either is afraid something is wrong with you or that you are doing something you shouldn't be doing. 

I returned my answering machine and got my money back. I immediately phoned Falwell to see if I still had a shot at the special place in heaven. 

"Hi. This is the Rev. Jerry Falwell," began his recorded answer. "I can't come to the phone right now because I'm on special assignment for the CIA . . . " 

I hung up. Heaven can wait.