What I really wanted was Bing Crosby. Christmas comes and I normally think of Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas" and "I'll be Home for Christmas." 

I went into one of those stores that carries albums and tapes. 

One of the sales clerks, a girl perhaps 11 years old, waited on me. 

"I'd like to see some Christmas tapes," I said. 

"Any particular artist?" she asked. 

"Yes, I'd like to see some Bing Crosby." 

"You mean Crosby, Stills and Nash?" 

"No," I continued. "Bing Crosby. You know, Hope's pal. `The Bells of St. Mary's' and all that." 

"I'm afraid we don't carry Ben Crosby," the girl said. 

"Not `Ben,' " I tried to explain. "It's `Bing.' He smoked a pipe and . . . " 

"I'll get my supervisor," said the clerk. 

That's more like it, I thought. At least now I could deal with an adult. 

"There is a problem, sir?" asked the supervisor. He might have been 19. 

"No problem. I just want to buy a couple of Bing Crosby Christmas tapes. My dog ate the old ones." 

"Would this Crisby . . . " 

"`Crosby."' 

"I'm sorry. Would this Crosby be rock, country and western or rhythm and blues?" 

"I can't believe this," I said. "Bing Crosby was one of the greatest singers who ever lived. His Christmas music is legendary. You mean to say you've never heard of Bing Crosby?" 

"He must have been a little before my time," the supervisor explained. "We do have a rather extensive list of Christmas albums and tapes by other artists, however. Would you like to see some of them?" 

"Sure," I said. "How about Perry Como? Do you have any Perry Como?" 

"No, but we do have Nasty Ned and His Nine Nasty Nose Pickers and their Christmas album, `Rock Around the Christmas Tree Until You Throw Up.' " 

"No, thanks. How about Andy Williams?" 

"I don't think we have that, either. But we do have Stark Nekkid and the Car Thieves and their latest, `Santa Got Caught in my Chimney and the Bats Ate Him.' " 

"Johnny Mathis?" 

"Nope." 

"Roger Whitaker?" 

"Afraid not." 

"Robert Goulet?" 

"Never heard of him." 

"Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme?" 

"Aren't they on `Hart to Hart?' " 

"Forget it," I finally said. "Just show me where you keep all your Christmas music and I'll make a decision." 

I wound up buying "The Chipmunks' Christmas." 

They aren't Bing Crosby, but for small, burrowing animals, they don't sing half bad.