Whenever I am in a restaurant with which I am not familiar, I always order a cheeseburger. I figure no matter how bad or strange the rest of the food is, there are not a lot of ways you can louse up a cheeseburger. 

The waiter came over - his name is Keith, he tells us - and I ordered a cheeseburger. 

My luncheon companion ordered a salad called "The Californian" and a bottle of Perrier, the wimp. 

A few minutes later, Keith came back with the salad and the bottle of Perrier for my companion and the cheeseburger for me. 

Right away, I know I'm in a lot of trouble. The cheeseburger, I noticed, was hidden under some sort of bread that is not Official Cheeseburger Bread. 

Official Cheeseburger Bread (OCB) are those buns you can buy at the grocery store that are brown on the outside and white on the inside. They are very soft and they don't have any seeds on top. 

The bun surrounding my cheeseburger had seeds. I held my breath and took a bite out of my cheeseburger. 

What's under the bun? 

I immediately put the cheeseburger down and pulled away the top bun. 

"ARRRRRRR!" I screamed. "There are mushrooms on my cheeseburger!" 

Keith, the waiter, rushed over. 

"There is something wrong?" he asked. 

"Somebody," I roared, "has put mushrooms on my cheeseburger!" 

"We always put mushrooms on our cheeseburger," Keith insisted. 

"Not on mine, you don't," was my retort. 

Keith took away my cheeseburger and raked the mushrooms off. Then, and only then, would I eat it. 

I vowed years ago never to eat mushrooms on anything, and I have my reasons. 

In the first place, a mushroom is a fungus. Or a fungi, I'm not certain which, and it doesn't make any difference because I don't eat either one of them. 

Plus, another name for mushrooms is "toadstools." That name bothers me a bit, but I can't tell you why. 

Also, mushrooms are poisonous and you can die from eating them. 

Friend ate them all 

How do I know this Keith person isn't some kind of nut who goes around poisoning people with mushrooms because his father wouldn't let him have a pony? 

I have seen mushrooms growing, too. They grow in dark, damp places. Grub worms grow in the same environment. I don't eat grub worms and I don't eat mushrooms. 

"The Californian" salad, which my companion was eating, came, I noticed, with mushrooms. He ate them all. 

He didn't die, which surprised me, but he did turn a little green when I told him the part about grub worms growing in the same places where mushrooms grow. 

"Who knows?" I added. "One of those grub worms could have been in your salad by mistake, and you could have eaten it." 

He excused himself and ran to the restroom. I wiped the grease off my mouth, and got up and walked out of the restaurant. 

Another day, another day without eating mushrooms. And remind me sometime to tell you why I don't eat bean sprouts either. 

(It has to do with grasshoppers.)