I picked it up and said a groggy "Hello." When I am awakened by the telephone I sound a little like Francis the Talking Mule, or so I've been told. 

A voice came through from the other end, a taped voice. Once again, I was being victimized by one of those computer calling schemes. You answer the phone and some taped message is trying to sell you something. 

I don't want anybody knocking on my door trying to sell me anything because if I was in the mood to buy something, I would go to a store. Soliciting at my home is a violation of my privacy. 

And so is calling me on the phone to try to sell me something. When such a thing occurs, I become quite angry and begin to curse at the voice on the other end of the phone until I realize the voice is a tape and can't hear itself being raked across a bed of verbal coals. 

The tape the other morning gave me a number to call if I wanted to take advantage of some alleged bargain. 

I took down the number and called it. 
 

Blame the computer
 

A woman answered and said, "Are you phoning about our special offer?" 

"No," I said, "I'm phoning about the fact a computer just called me and a taped voice woke me up, and I want to talk to a live person in order to vent my anger for this outrage with words too timid for a carpenter who just hit his thumb with a hammer." 

I was put on hold for several moments. 

Then a man came on the line and identified himself as Ed Marks of a firm called United Systems. 
 

A solution
 

I told Mr. Marks I didn't appreciate his company calling me. 

As it turned out, Mr. Marks was a nice man. He apologized for the inconvenience and explained how his computer got my number, which is unlisted. 

"The computer is programmed to dial numbers at random," he began, "so even if you have an unlisted numbers you can still get calls. 

"We are a marketing firm that businesses contract for this sales technique. The call you received was an effort to get you to attend a presentation concerni ng a time-sharing vacation plan." 

I told Mr. Marks I thought the technique was a lousy one, and I asked him what I could do to avoid getting these calls, which are becoming more and more common. 

"Tell me your number," he said, "and I guarantee you won't be called by this company again." 

Mr. Marks suggested that any time anybody receives such a call and wants such ceased, they do what I did. Call the number and raise the roof and tell them to tell their computer to go bother somebody else. 

"If a company persists in calling you," Mr. Marks said, "you have a case against them for harassment." 

So do it, folks. Call the jerks back when the computer calls you and tell them to leave you the hell alone. 

If that doesn't work, find out who's in charge, get his or her phone number, and then call them at 2 in the morning and ask them if they would like to buy a mule.