First, did Iran invade Iraq or did Iraq invade Iran? And, is it the Iraq-Iran war, or the Iran-Iraq war? Do we have the basis for rock lyrics here? 

Did Iran invade Iraq/or did Iraq invade Iran?/Iraq-Iran, Iran- Iraq,/Iraq around the clock. 

Secondly, I never know what to believe when I read about the war. 

One day the headline reads, "Iraq claims 7 zillion Iranians killed in desert battle." 

The next day I get, "Iran says nobody left in Iraq but dogs and camels." 

For all we really know, there might not be a war going on at all. This could be just some public relations firm's way of introducing a new line of desert tents. 
 

Who to root for?
 

What else bothers me is that I'm not certain who to pull for in the war. 

Would the United States benefit more if Iran won, or if Iraq won? How would the war's outcome affect my winter heating bill and gasoline prices? Which side has the best-looking uniforms? (I often use that to determine whom I'd prefer in a sporting contest, which is why I never pull for the Houston Astros, whose uniforms look like they were patterned after a dish of orange marmalade.) 

If Iran wipes out a few million Iraqis (Irocks, Iraqanians, Iraqonians), should I sleep a little better at night, or vice versa? 

Just off the top of my head, I'd say I should pull for Iraq. The Iranians took Americans hostage; the Ayatollah, who looks like Gabby Hayes with a bad case of constipation, has given our last two presidents that same condition; and two of its leading exports are hatred and terrorism 

But Iraq's not exactly a bastion of freedom and good will to all, either. If I ran is John Dillinger, Iraq is at least Pretty Boy Floyd. 
 

Poll too close to call
 

I interviewed some other Americans to see which side they preferred. 

Tossing out those who hadn't heard about the war, didn't have an opinion, were drunk, who thought I was a member of some strange religious sect, who were busy writing Oral Roberts a check, or who were blowing bubbles with their saliva when they were asked, the results were too close to call. 

One man did put the matter in its proper perspective, however. 

"It's like asking to pick between cancer and AIDS," he said. 

Perhaps what we all have here is the same position the late Georgian, Bill Munday, pioneer sportscaster, found himself in one evening before he was to broadcast the Yale-Harvard football game. "Who do you prefer in tomorrow's game?" a Harvard student asked him, "Yale or fair Harvard?" 

"Neither one," he said. "You're all a bunch of damn Yankees and I hope you both lose."